I HATE SHOPPING

I went to look for a black tank top today. Here were the requirements: It had to be black. It had to cover my bra.

I drove to the mall, I walked in and was so distracted that I immediately felt anxious—so many things! Is that an Aveda store? I love the smell of their products! Godiva? Those truffles are really good—but I can now get Godiva at Kohl’s so it is not as precious as when it was only available at Macys during Christmas. 

Oh no…the kiosk guys! They are so aggressive! Ahh, they are coming after me with little spritzers and cards and packets and who knows what else—Please, get away from me, I don’t care if you are going to give me a million damn dollars, you are coming at me with an aggressive smile and I feel very uncomfortable! 

Crabtree and Evelyn? Doesn’t my mom love that place? Should I get her a gift now and save it for later? Abercrombie and Fitch? That is still around? Teavana. Oh I wish I knew the name of that crackhead tea I once had at that British lady’s house—Golden Monkey? Something that made me feel like I was high on something and that I could float on air and have brilliant conversations. 

Forever 21. Oooh. I like to look in there just to get a feel of what is going on in culture. Well, apparently, cut off Def Leppard and Guns n Roses shirts are going on in culture. My ninth grade wardrobe is literally on mannequins.

Walk into Zara. The place is an absolute hellhole of polyester, on racks that made no sense. Nothing by color or style, just basically Goodwill, or a garage sale. Nice sales girls though.

Victoria's Secret. Gay guy helped me. I wanted some sleep shorts in a cute color. I said I didn’t want 'ball-crusher' shorts, I like to put my knee up while I slept. He looked at me funny. I told him I thought they had only butt-ugly colors available that day, like a the puke rust color—where was the violet and neon pink? Turns out he was wearing the puke rust shirt. 

Asked the Victoria's Secret manager if they had those glorious nineties lotions like Pear Glace—she said the only once still around was Vanilla Lace. I said “The stripper one?” No comment.

So basically, after leaving the mall and looking through Home Goods, TJ Maxx and all of those stores, I have come to the conclusion that there is TOO MUCH SH*T out there. THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS, too many choices. These things are shoved in our faces and our brains cannot compute. Well, mine can’t. 

Now, back to my laptop and AMAZON.COM....